Insights of a cynic.

Now if you think about it, there's something to be said for being a cynical person. Sure you're probably not as happy as the optimists and idealists, but at least you don't get disappointed as much. and of course you get a lot more opportunities to shove it in their face with a very telling "HAH. I told you so."

As most people probably should know by now, i'm very big on cynicism. And thinking about it for the last few days there's some things i've concluded from my observations:

1. If you're no longer useful to people, generally you're no longer wanted. People are inherently selfish and self-serving. You generally don't go finding someone else unless you want / need something from them. If you've outlived your usefulness, substituted by something / someone else or basically no longer needed anymore, expect to be contacted less and less frequently.

2. no matter how good you can possibly be, there's always someone out there who's better. And if people find that other person to be a better / cheaper / more accessible option, then goodbye demand.

3. The world doesn't need love. Love doesn't make the world go round. Money sometimes does. But what really impacts thing is anger (not only for its destructive qualities of course). Someone once said that though most of the other 7 deadly sins affect yourself (and occassionally a few other people), anger can affect the largest possible group with its destructive force. More often than not its the aftermath of destructive anger that motivates people to do something. And unlike happiness which people forget after a while, anger scars you. Forever. so you won't forget.

4. Pride and self-esteem aren't the same thing. People with low self-esteem can still be proud (and hence get themselves into shit since pride gets in the way).

5. Holidays in general are overrated. More often than not they're usually more trouble than they're worth. In trying to make them "perfect", people end up stressing themselves (and each other) out more. and instead of being happy, they all get disgruntled and annoyed with one another.

6. Never trust anyone (too much). don't expect to rely on people. Some point of time or other, they WILL disappoint. People aren't perfect to begin with, and don't expect perfection. If not you're just setting yourself up for disappointment (and that's just dumb).

4.

I said i would support her no matter what she chose to do, as long as she knew what she was doing, and she was happy with the outcome. So why is it that when she's made a choice, I can't just let it be?

I know i have no obligation to be overly worried for her no matter how things turn out - because its her life and not mine. So why do i worry?

I know that to her i'm nothing more than a friend, one who can (or will) be as close as her other friends. So why do i wish things were otherwise?

I believe that things will never work out in that way for us, because we're just not right for each other. So why do i hope otherwise?

I feel that we've already drifted apart a long time ago, and things will never ever be like the way they were before. So why do wish that things weren't this way?

Because....

.... She is TulipGirl.

... She means a lot to me.

.... she is someone i would've been willing to do anything for (if i could)

.... she is special.

But that was then. This is now. Wake up to the reality that is. Not the reality that was. Wake up Chris. No more dreams. Only the reality of what is and what will be - and that will be a future without her.

New insights to an old mindset.

I remember how a while back I was frustrated that things with TulipGirl had all gone not so great. And while we did meet up and it did make things a little more like how they used to be, yesterday while thinking about it I came to realise something: that what i said the last time was true - if i needed someone to be there when i really needed it, i wasn't sure that she would be.

It used to be a doubt, but now its pretty much for certain - I know that between us it will never be like that. I could really never imagine it that way. But I do know that even though she isn't it, at the end of the day there is someone i know i can count on when the chips are down.

I understand that as friends though W and I may seem close, I'll never be as close to her as some of her other friends. and just like how things were with TulipGirl, i'm ok with that, because that's how things are, and they're unlikely to change. and just like i always have, i'll worry about the day that the drifting will start. and maybe, just maybe i'll get over a little bit better.

I'm just glad that we've managed to help each other alot, and that i've helped her on her road to her dream, and that right now, far away as the end result seems, she's in a step in the right direction. Though she may doubt it sometimes, I know that she can get there eventually - with a little belief in herself, and a little from me.

I was talking to my mum today about how when i was an undergrad i'd go find my lecturers just to talk and hang out. She said, "see all that training i gave you helped." (I agreed of course. because there's some truth to that).

She:"aren't you glad you're able to do that kind of things now, cos all your girl friends (note: not GF. these are 2 SEPARATE words, no typos here) who have stuff that they need to talk about come looking for you."

Me: "uh mum that's not the same thing. its more of listening than actually talking, which i might add i've had lots of practice with you"

She:"see? so at least your mother is good for something."

Me:"yeah well. thing is that most of the time once their issues are resolved they forget about me and i sort of disappear from their lives (note: anyone who knows me well enough that this is something i believe to be VERY true. because there has been little evidence to prove otherwise. I'm usually only the last option.)"

She: "well, then you know who your real friends are."

Me (thinking to myself): "now there's a thought. but unfortunately things aren't so simple."

On a related note, i just came across this on a friend's tumbleblog, and its a variant of one of the rules i live by:

"Time flies, people change. You only talk to me when you need me. Other than that you're too busy for words. So I guess you were one of those people who were supposed to walk into my life, teach me a lesson, and then walk away."

How apt.

365 days since...

Dear TulipGirl,

Doesn't seem that long ago that I personally delivered your birthday present to you (i still remember how your face lit up, even when i gave you the single tulip. and how your grin became even bigger when i whipped out the boquet after with 5 tulips and other stuff in it. You may never know it, but it made my day as much as it made yours. if not more).

Soon, it will have been 365 days since I gave you those flowers. And today the mood couldn't have been more different than it was all those days ago. Excitement is replaced with a sense of foreboding and reservation. Not to mention hesitance and general unenthusiasm. After what happened 2 weeks ago, the feeling of being underappreciated still stings. Though we may not have quarreled or anything, but getting stood up again isn't something easy to take. Especially after all the considerations and "precautions" i put in place to minimise what I hoped wouldn't happen (but did).

Truth is, as time has gone on, I've felt us drifting apart. I knew this would happen (because it always does), but knowing the inevitableness of that fact doesn't make the realisation hurt any less.

I've always known that I never ever featured high on your list of relationships / priorities, knowing that there'd always be other people or things more important than myself. I was fine with that really, it was something I was willing to accept. But getting stood up one time too many does things to people - it's made me question whether its worth it to continue chasing something that is going to (more often than not) be a cause for disappointment. Especially when you have no idea how much I look forward to our meet-ups, rare as they've been. You should know that i'm a realist above anything else.

I will say this though - even though it may seem like it, i've not given up entirely on our friendship. We may never be as close as we were before (in my opinion we were, but in yours that depends on your perspective), but its not like i'm never going to speak to you again or anything as drastic as that. I just won't make as much effort as I used to. That way if things don't happen the way I planned, at least I won't have that much disappointment to suffer (I hope).

I'll always try to be there if you need me (and come find me). But I won't be the initiator any more. Its just not worth the heartache.

So as the sun rises on July 21st, and you turn 24, my birthday wish to you is that you find happiness that you've always been desiring, the kind you've shared with me that you've hoped to have. And if the day doesn't start out good, help it to at least end with happiness. That's the least I can wish for on your birthday.

Love,

chr1s

Food for thought: Humans are invariably and innately self-serving.

I have held on to the belief that all humans, by nature, are inherently selfish. That everyone looks out for their own interest, for what suits them the most at any one point in time. And thus, because everyone has their own self-interest in mind, that makes people dispensable (to others) - meaning that if there's no reason to interact / maintain relationships / communicate with someone after they've served their usefulness, then we just move on.

For some, this may seem as a very cynical stand, but I subscribe to it, simply because i know it for myself to be true. The fact that people don't look for you unless they need / want something, and ignore you the rest of the time, or that aside from your perceived usefulness and role as the "last option", there is no other interaction going on between you and any other person. That you get discarded for a better/smarter/cheaper/faster/more attractive option. Basically, you're gotten rid of once you've outlived your usefulness.

Think about it. Companies do this all the time. Romantic relationships (sometimes) end in that way. Friendships have ended this way too (but more often than not they commonly attribute it to "drifting", "moving on to another phase of life". But the bottom line is there's no more reason to maintain the relationship).

So if something like this ever happens to you (or you unwittingly do it to someone else), remember, you're just looking out for yourself. Its not a matter of this being a good / bad thing (it really depends how you spin it). But the point is that it happens. ALL. THE. TIME. and you'd be naive to think that it doesn't.

Rejection is a painful thing. But at some point or other, enough is enough. Nobody can (or should) wait forever. At some point, we have to move on. And maybe for me and her, that time is now.

I've always known that I don't feature high in her list of priorities, and I could accept that. I understood that was the nature of our relationship. Which is why i gave her space and time to do her own thing. I tried as much as i could to be understanding (at least i'd like to think so).

But things are different now. I've lost count of the number of times i've been stood up at the last minute. I tell her that it's ok and that i understand, and that there's always next time, but sooner or later it just becomes too much. Sooner or later, there no longer is a "next time", because you know it'll never come.

I used to believe that if something happened to me that was serious, she would be one of those who would be there for me. But now, I'm not so sure anymore. Its a sad realisation, but probably true. Things've changed that much.

"I am what you call 'the world'. Or perhaps 'the universe'. Or perhaps 'God'. Or perhaps 'truth'. Or perhaps 'everything'. Or perhaps 'One'. And I am 'you'. What gives you despair so that you do not become arrogant, is truth."

Truth, Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Damn right.

Time to go into lockdown and isolation. Not that people would miss me much i think. Since i'm pretty much always the last option. I'm everybody's last option, last one the list of people you think of when it comes to anything.

Nothing I've done has ever changed that in any way. I guess that's good in its own way. Makes it easier for me to disappear. because nobody would really notice.

Seriously. I need to stop thinking with that perspective. It just creates more problems. Maybe its time to let it go. Its already passed the mark. I guess I'm just afraid of the day that things stop staying the way they are now.

It can't go any further. because that just makes things complicated. and i hate it when things become complicated. damn.

I have to walk away. I don't want to, but I have to. Its better for everyone that way. really. If i don't it'll get out of control.

I'm sorry.

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of
Equivalent Exchange."

Edward Elric, Full Metal Alchemist / Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Let it be said that in life, there is no such thing as action without consequences. I know that, and you probably do too. Whatever you gain, something must be given in return. Much as we would like to hope it to be true, that we could get something for nothing. But that never happens. And when we (mistakenly) assume that to be so, there's always payback. And most of the time, and it comes more often than not with interest (even more so when we believe / hope that there will not be consequences).And its never, ever cheap. That's why they say payback's a bitch, fate (or karma / a divine being or whatever you believe in) can be cruel. Occassionally with a sense of twisted humour to rub it in. Remember, there's always a catch.

Doing things for people with this philosphy in mind may not always portray you in a good light (i.e. mercenary, calculative), but that's the truth isn't it? because nobody does something for nothing (and the 'excuse' of being altruistic doesn't hold water with me. People say they get that warm, fuzzy feeling for helping someone. I think that's your payback right there). Either there is some vested interest, or something of value you believe you can get in return.

This is why freelancers (contrary to their title) should never work for free, why social workers can burn out after years on the job provided they don't have good work-life balance / recharging (and if they do have that recharging / balance, then the system gives up something in exchange right? Thus proving the philosophy to be right).

If I dare say it without causing anyone undue offence, the same can be said of religion. Taking my own Christian belief as an example, despite what is said, "unconditional" love of God (and eternal life that comes through believing) is not as "unconditional" as you think. Because to receive that, you first need to believe, and once you do, you take on a whole new set of values / social norms. While it may be argued that sooner or later this eventually becomes second nature to you (the living out of the values / social norms / philosophy put into practice), there are undoubtedly instances where your faith will be tested, to varying degrees and in different circumstances. Don't tell me that isn't your payback. To gain something, you need to give up something in return.

Let this be said about "equivalent" exchange. It is not up to your valuation of what you get in return / give up (more often than not, you're often aggreived by the fact that you get considerably less in return for what you've given up). But who are you to say that your valuation is right? How do you measure the sacrifices and their rewards (especially those that are more... intangible)? I guess the reason why you do that is to get something, you need to give something of value to yourself. And because of the nature of what you give up, that's why it seems disproportionate You feel what you give up is highly valuable to you (while this may not be true for others). For you to feel that it has been sacrificed, it has to hurt. That's what the nature of sacrifice is.

Something for nothing doesn't exist. Newton's 3rd law (for every action there is an equal and oppostie reaction) embodies equivalent exchange (in some sense), and its something that people who are less naive are aware of - There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

I miss her. a lot. I wish we had more time for each other. Or at least I would have more time to just do something a little special for her the way I used to.

Looks like its turning out how i'd expected it'd always be. Its just a matter of time now. All we have to do is wait. you'll see.

I know what I am. I know that whatever i try, no matter how much i try, i will never be good enough. I will always be the techy, nerdy kid. and no matter how much i try to change it, that will always be me.

I will never be good enough for anyone, will always be on the outside looking in, and no matter what i try to do, that will not change. There will never be enough trust in me to handle myself, that i can do things on my own.

Its always assumed that i'm fine with picking up the pieces, filling in the blanks, being shunted from place to place to fill in the gaps wherever they may be. That i would be fine being the "rubbish bin", taking the scraps, all the stuff that no one else wants or decides to get rid of.

I know that from ever since i was born i was nothing but trouble - problem after problem. and while they did decrease, they were still problems. and that's how i think i'm viewed. as an annoyance, something people put up with because they have to.

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The time is coming. I know it is. The signs are more obvious, and i know its bound to happen eventually. and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. we will drift apart, because things will get better for you. because somehow, they always do. eventually. and that's when i fade away into the shadows, our friendship nothing more than a memory. because things change, people change. and we get on with our lives.

How could you help a boy like that? He wanted to be everywhere and do everything. And so he'd probably try to do more than he should and end up in trouble again and she would have to sort it out again. She sighed a sigh that was older than she was. Her father had been the same, of course. He'd spend all night working on dispatch boxes for the Foreign Office, with a footman on duty at all times to bring him coffee and roast duck sandwiches. It was quite usual for the maids to find him still at his desk in the morning, fast asleep with his head on a map of Lower Sidonia.

Her grandmother used to make sniffy remarks like:'I suppose His Majesty doesn't have any other ministers?' But now Daphne understood. He'd been like Mau, trying to fill the hole inside with work so that it didn't overflow with memories.

- Nation, by Terry Pratchett

3 months. that's how long it always lasts. only 3 months. its scary, its sad, and it really worries me. i don't know why its always that way, but even though it starts off well and develops a closeness, somehow at some point drifting happens. and then its never the same anymore. the friendship becomes more distant, the communication less frequent, and at some point or other, it really peters out to almost nothing.

I always thought things would last. but they usually don't. and that's why i move on i suppose. because you cling to something that no longer is there any more.and no matter what i try to do, it just isn't what it used to be. i remember one friend who said she wouldn't let it happen. that when things got better for her she wouldn't forget. but she did. because things changed - they always do.

and that's why i'm scared in a way. because time is almost up. and i know what that means. I'd really like to believe that it isn't true. but so far i've always been proven correct, much as io wished it wasn't the case. "things change, people change. and we get on with our lives." i just wish it didn't have to be this way.

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i want it this time so not to be true. i really do. but i know that it'll never happen the way i want. and there's very little i can do about it. Each of them meant more to me than they probably realised. and the same goes for this time. but that's how things are and how things will be. This is deja vu. This is life that happens. and i can literally see it unfolding right in front of my eyes. again.

It's not like i don't like my life. Its just that sometimes it really makes me wonder - who i am, what i'm doing, where i belong.

I've always felt that i didn't quite fit into any group i was part of... that there was always a little reason or other that made me a little bit more... disconnected (and this is with pretty much every group i'm sort of part of).

I look at myself and realise what i (sort of) am.

I'm the guy who's resigned to the fact that when it comes to food at home, he's the one that finishes up leftovers, because he eats almost anything, almost any amount, and never seems to put on weight.

I'm the guy whose idea of fashion sense is having variants of more or less the same clothes (hence there's not much variation in my dressing). and would buy the exact same wallet to replace the one that broke.

I'm the guy who's techy, geeky and a little bit socially inept. Whose idea of fun is sitting in front of my PS3 at home at night playing FIFA 10. And who gets kicks out of reading web design magazines, designing stuff and other things like that.

I'm the guy who can rattle off sports statistics like they were the back of my hand, but locks himself out of the office twice while going to collect stuff.

I'm the guy who is more comfortable interacting with someone via the computer rather than face to face, uncomfortable with silence when we're face to face but doesn't have much to say to break it.

I'm the guy who's skinny, lanky, with a bit of a slouch. Who thinks that he isn't even in the category of "mildly attractive", and thinks that anyone who actually thinks he looks good really needs to think twice about it.

I'm the guy who does what he can to help make his friends feel better when they've got problems to cope with, yet most of the time refuses support when he needs it.

I'm the guy who's got more close friends who're girls than guys. and yet remains single just because there's no other way it could be. Who doesn't really believe in love anymore, and thinks that marriage and relationships are too damn complicated because there's too many variables and too much costs involved if you want to get it right.

I'm the guy who's cynical, who thinks that any situation that seems too good to be true usually is. That everything has a catch, and that there's no such thing as a free lunch (and its only a matter of time before you find it).

I'm the guy who believes in God because there can be no other explanation to why he is where he is, who knows the Bible decently, but whose belief stops there.

Basically, I think that the only role I'd fit into better than my other groups is the geeky, techy academic (which is what I am now when you think about it).

Welcome to my life. welcome to me.

A post that's full of SHIT...

Well today i was thinking about something. and i realised that a very apt saying for why bad things happen is that "Shit happens." So in my boredom, i shall now illustrate all kinds of shit that happens.

Shit that you possibly step on is Dog Shit (usually). Shit that drops out of the sky and lands on you is Bird Shit (again, usually).

Depending on the extent of how you react to getting hit with bird shit or stepping in dog shit, your reaction can range from "oh. shit." (nonchalant), to "ohhhhh shittttt" (slow realisation) or just "OH SHIT!" (immediate disgust and shock).

When shit drops on you from above (not in reference to the aforementioned bird shit), and seems impossible except for the possibility of intervention of a higher power, if you see it falling and panic, that's when you shout "HOLY SHIT!". This usually happens because there's lot of shit about to land on you (i.e. its a shitload - which i honestly think should be a standard unit of measurement). When it finally lands on you, that's when you're in deep shit. And that, as they say is when the shit hits the fan (and probably lands on everyone else around as well).

Sometimes, the only way to get out of deep shit is through the use of bullshit - the art of spouting nonsensical stuff (but can also refers to shit that comes out of cows). However, excessive bullshitting at high speed often is symptomatic of verbal diahorrea. In any case, that usually happens with people who're full of shit to begin with (like me for example).

So remember. Shit happens. in many forms, shapes, sizes and smells (more often than not, its bad).

And to round off this shitty post, here's a shit joke with a moral (which perhaps isn't so shitty after all):

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Drifting

A favourite saying of mine often went like this: "Things change, people change, and we move on with our lives." Lately i've been feeling that a little, especially with friends who are, thanks to various circumstances, becoming a little more... distant.

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To be honest there's a lot of things i'd like to believe in, to hope for. but i'm no idealist. i'm a pragmatist. and that's why i know that even though she's important to me, we'll never go beyond friendship. simply because that's the way things are with us.

I'd like to believe that things would never change much (or drastically). That somehow it wouldn't be such that maybe one day we'd wake up and realise that the gap between us is just too far to bridge. That somehow, that level of closeness we used to have is something we'd always have. but i know that's just wishful thinking.

The working world changes things. and changes them a lot. say what you like about me having already gotten a job and all that. but the plain truth is that unlike her, i'm still stuck in the school environment. and the differences are telling - especially when it comes to late nights of working (something that i doubt i'll rarely get much of - not that i want it).

I understand that she's busy. really busy. and i know it can't be helped, simply because that's how the job is. but sometimes i wish she just wouldn't push herself so hard (or that they wouldn't push her so hard). Say what she likes about being ok with the idea of singlehood, i know that's not her thing (I mean, personally i'm always advocating singlehood. and yet sometimes i feel that i'm missing someone, so what more for her?).

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The realisation's pretty sad, when you become aware of the fact that the closeness of the friendships built is based on bad things that happened. Thinking about it, i realised that some of my strongest friendships built were built at the time when either of us was at a down point, and that a lot of our bonding was a result of those down points. And when the down point had passed, somehow we slowly drifted apart.

Its sad you know. when friendships are built on pain. Like i told S once.... "after this is all over and everything's ok, we'll probably drift apart. because you'll forget (and that's a good thing). but there'll be that gap. and it'll never be the same anymore. because things change, people change. and we move on with our lives."

I remember she said she wouldn't let that happen. but it did. I knew it would.