365 days since...

Dear TulipGirl,

Doesn't seem that long ago that I personally delivered your birthday present to you (i still remember how your face lit up, even when i gave you the single tulip. and how your grin became even bigger when i whipped out the boquet after with 5 tulips and other stuff in it. You may never know it, but it made my day as much as it made yours. if not more).

Soon, it will have been 365 days since I gave you those flowers. And today the mood couldn't have been more different than it was all those days ago. Excitement is replaced with a sense of foreboding and reservation. Not to mention hesitance and general unenthusiasm. After what happened 2 weeks ago, the feeling of being underappreciated still stings. Though we may not have quarreled or anything, but getting stood up again isn't something easy to take. Especially after all the considerations and "precautions" i put in place to minimise what I hoped wouldn't happen (but did).

Truth is, as time has gone on, I've felt us drifting apart. I knew this would happen (because it always does), but knowing the inevitableness of that fact doesn't make the realisation hurt any less.

I've always known that I never ever featured high on your list of relationships / priorities, knowing that there'd always be other people or things more important than myself. I was fine with that really, it was something I was willing to accept. But getting stood up one time too many does things to people - it's made me question whether its worth it to continue chasing something that is going to (more often than not) be a cause for disappointment. Especially when you have no idea how much I look forward to our meet-ups, rare as they've been. You should know that i'm a realist above anything else.

I will say this though - even though it may seem like it, i've not given up entirely on our friendship. We may never be as close as we were before (in my opinion we were, but in yours that depends on your perspective), but its not like i'm never going to speak to you again or anything as drastic as that. I just won't make as much effort as I used to. That way if things don't happen the way I planned, at least I won't have that much disappointment to suffer (I hope).

I'll always try to be there if you need me (and come find me). But I won't be the initiator any more. Its just not worth the heartache.

So as the sun rises on July 21st, and you turn 24, my birthday wish to you is that you find happiness that you've always been desiring, the kind you've shared with me that you've hoped to have. And if the day doesn't start out good, help it to at least end with happiness. That's the least I can wish for on your birthday.

Love,

chr1s