I know what I am. I know that whatever i try, no matter how much i try, i will never be good enough. I will always be the techy, nerdy kid. and no matter how much i try to change it, that will always be me.

I will never be good enough for anyone, will always be on the outside looking in, and no matter what i try to do, that will not change. There will never be enough trust in me to handle myself, that i can do things on my own.

Its always assumed that i'm fine with picking up the pieces, filling in the blanks, being shunted from place to place to fill in the gaps wherever they may be. That i would be fine being the "rubbish bin", taking the scraps, all the stuff that no one else wants or decides to get rid of.

I know that from ever since i was born i was nothing but trouble - problem after problem. and while they did decrease, they were still problems. and that's how i think i'm viewed. as an annoyance, something people put up with because they have to.

---------------------------------------------------------

The time is coming. I know it is. The signs are more obvious, and i know its bound to happen eventually. and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. we will drift apart, because things will get better for you. because somehow, they always do. eventually. and that's when i fade away into the shadows, our friendship nothing more than a memory. because things change, people change. and we get on with our lives.

How could you help a boy like that? He wanted to be everywhere and do everything. And so he'd probably try to do more than he should and end up in trouble again and she would have to sort it out again. She sighed a sigh that was older than she was. Her father had been the same, of course. He'd spend all night working on dispatch boxes for the Foreign Office, with a footman on duty at all times to bring him coffee and roast duck sandwiches. It was quite usual for the maids to find him still at his desk in the morning, fast asleep with his head on a map of Lower Sidonia.

Her grandmother used to make sniffy remarks like:'I suppose His Majesty doesn't have any other ministers?' But now Daphne understood. He'd been like Mau, trying to fill the hole inside with work so that it didn't overflow with memories.

- Nation, by Terry Pratchett

3 months. that's how long it always lasts. only 3 months. its scary, its sad, and it really worries me. i don't know why its always that way, but even though it starts off well and develops a closeness, somehow at some point drifting happens. and then its never the same anymore. the friendship becomes more distant, the communication less frequent, and at some point or other, it really peters out to almost nothing.

I always thought things would last. but they usually don't. and that's why i move on i suppose. because you cling to something that no longer is there any more.and no matter what i try to do, it just isn't what it used to be. i remember one friend who said she wouldn't let it happen. that when things got better for her she wouldn't forget. but she did. because things changed - they always do.

and that's why i'm scared in a way. because time is almost up. and i know what that means. I'd really like to believe that it isn't true. but so far i've always been proven correct, much as io wished it wasn't the case. "things change, people change. and we get on with our lives." i just wish it didn't have to be this way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i want it this time so not to be true. i really do. but i know that it'll never happen the way i want. and there's very little i can do about it. Each of them meant more to me than they probably realised. and the same goes for this time. but that's how things are and how things will be. This is deja vu. This is life that happens. and i can literally see it unfolding right in front of my eyes. again.

It's not like i don't like my life. Its just that sometimes it really makes me wonder - who i am, what i'm doing, where i belong.

I've always felt that i didn't quite fit into any group i was part of... that there was always a little reason or other that made me a little bit more... disconnected (and this is with pretty much every group i'm sort of part of).

I look at myself and realise what i (sort of) am.

I'm the guy who's resigned to the fact that when it comes to food at home, he's the one that finishes up leftovers, because he eats almost anything, almost any amount, and never seems to put on weight.

I'm the guy whose idea of fashion sense is having variants of more or less the same clothes (hence there's not much variation in my dressing). and would buy the exact same wallet to replace the one that broke.

I'm the guy who's techy, geeky and a little bit socially inept. Whose idea of fun is sitting in front of my PS3 at home at night playing FIFA 10. And who gets kicks out of reading web design magazines, designing stuff and other things like that.

I'm the guy who can rattle off sports statistics like they were the back of my hand, but locks himself out of the office twice while going to collect stuff.

I'm the guy who is more comfortable interacting with someone via the computer rather than face to face, uncomfortable with silence when we're face to face but doesn't have much to say to break it.

I'm the guy who's skinny, lanky, with a bit of a slouch. Who thinks that he isn't even in the category of "mildly attractive", and thinks that anyone who actually thinks he looks good really needs to think twice about it.

I'm the guy who does what he can to help make his friends feel better when they've got problems to cope with, yet most of the time refuses support when he needs it.

I'm the guy who's got more close friends who're girls than guys. and yet remains single just because there's no other way it could be. Who doesn't really believe in love anymore, and thinks that marriage and relationships are too damn complicated because there's too many variables and too much costs involved if you want to get it right.

I'm the guy who's cynical, who thinks that any situation that seems too good to be true usually is. That everything has a catch, and that there's no such thing as a free lunch (and its only a matter of time before you find it).

I'm the guy who believes in God because there can be no other explanation to why he is where he is, who knows the Bible decently, but whose belief stops there.

Basically, I think that the only role I'd fit into better than my other groups is the geeky, techy academic (which is what I am now when you think about it).

Welcome to my life. welcome to me.

A post that's full of SHIT...

Well today i was thinking about something. and i realised that a very apt saying for why bad things happen is that "Shit happens." So in my boredom, i shall now illustrate all kinds of shit that happens.

Shit that you possibly step on is Dog Shit (usually). Shit that drops out of the sky and lands on you is Bird Shit (again, usually).

Depending on the extent of how you react to getting hit with bird shit or stepping in dog shit, your reaction can range from "oh. shit." (nonchalant), to "ohhhhh shittttt" (slow realisation) or just "OH SHIT!" (immediate disgust and shock).

When shit drops on you from above (not in reference to the aforementioned bird shit), and seems impossible except for the possibility of intervention of a higher power, if you see it falling and panic, that's when you shout "HOLY SHIT!". This usually happens because there's lot of shit about to land on you (i.e. its a shitload - which i honestly think should be a standard unit of measurement). When it finally lands on you, that's when you're in deep shit. And that, as they say is when the shit hits the fan (and probably lands on everyone else around as well).

Sometimes, the only way to get out of deep shit is through the use of bullshit - the art of spouting nonsensical stuff (but can also refers to shit that comes out of cows). However, excessive bullshitting at high speed often is symptomatic of verbal diahorrea. In any case, that usually happens with people who're full of shit to begin with (like me for example).

So remember. Shit happens. in many forms, shapes, sizes and smells (more often than not, its bad).

And to round off this shitty post, here's a shit joke with a moral (which perhaps isn't so shitty after all):

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Drifting

A favourite saying of mine often went like this: "Things change, people change, and we move on with our lives." Lately i've been feeling that a little, especially with friends who are, thanks to various circumstances, becoming a little more... distant.

=====================================================
To be honest there's a lot of things i'd like to believe in, to hope for. but i'm no idealist. i'm a pragmatist. and that's why i know that even though she's important to me, we'll never go beyond friendship. simply because that's the way things are with us.

I'd like to believe that things would never change much (or drastically). That somehow it wouldn't be such that maybe one day we'd wake up and realise that the gap between us is just too far to bridge. That somehow, that level of closeness we used to have is something we'd always have. but i know that's just wishful thinking.

The working world changes things. and changes them a lot. say what you like about me having already gotten a job and all that. but the plain truth is that unlike her, i'm still stuck in the school environment. and the differences are telling - especially when it comes to late nights of working (something that i doubt i'll rarely get much of - not that i want it).

I understand that she's busy. really busy. and i know it can't be helped, simply because that's how the job is. but sometimes i wish she just wouldn't push herself so hard (or that they wouldn't push her so hard). Say what she likes about being ok with the idea of singlehood, i know that's not her thing (I mean, personally i'm always advocating singlehood. and yet sometimes i feel that i'm missing someone, so what more for her?).

============================================
The realisation's pretty sad, when you become aware of the fact that the closeness of the friendships built is based on bad things that happened. Thinking about it, i realised that some of my strongest friendships built were built at the time when either of us was at a down point, and that a lot of our bonding was a result of those down points. And when the down point had passed, somehow we slowly drifted apart.

Its sad you know. when friendships are built on pain. Like i told S once.... "after this is all over and everything's ok, we'll probably drift apart. because you'll forget (and that's a good thing). but there'll be that gap. and it'll never be the same anymore. because things change, people change. and we move on with our lives."

I remember she said she wouldn't let that happen. but it did. I knew it would.

2010

The other day a friend of mine tried to convince me to start blogging again. I thought i'd just dust off this place and just do a lookback at the year that was 2009....

Jan-May: Finished up what was my graduating semester in NUS.

after almost 5 years, i've finally come out with my degree (and a 2nd class lower honours to boot). However, that wasn't the end of my NUS journey as something i said on the last day of project submissions proved rather.... prophetic.

The final sem was rather fun, getting to know all the honours class people. Thanks guys for the birthday cake that i unfortunately couldn't eat, the wild party on the last day of school, and all those hours of camping out in the cosy room, where everyone was just chionging projects continuously.

Along the way i got involved in my first-ever (and maybe only) photography / mixed-media exhibition, made many more friends (some of which have become pretty close), and just basically had an experience i probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

May-Nov: LASIK Surgery: The Laser Way to Better Sight (3rd Edition). AKA how Chris became a web / publications designer.

Background story: 3 years ago my uncle got me to help him do his 2nd edition of the above-mentioned book. That time i only did the text. This time when we did the revision, i did more. A LOT MORE.

That 6-month gig at my uncle's (which never looked like ending for the longest time) possibly was one of the most beneficial experiences in my life, because of what came with it. The good thing was i worked only 3-days a week (more days optional since i was paid per hour), and it actually gave me time to hang out with my grandfather (picking him up on my work days cos he had dialyis, and hanging out at his place on the days i didn't). And those 6 months taught me quite a bit (i suppose most of you don't know that i've always considered my grandfather one of the people i've most wanted to be like).

I have to admit that doing a layout for a 192-page book (even though i can just follow format of a previous edition) is no joke. Together with having to do layouts for instruction manuals and a website, that's just... intense. But all that set the stage for what was to come next.... the next stage to set up the "fulfillment" of my "prophetic" statement a few months earlier...

Aug-Sept: Taught Photoshop and Illustrator to CNM NM2208 students.

When an opportunity came up, I jumped on a possible chance of joining Ubisoft as a marcomms (marketing / communications) 3-month contract staff. I went for the interview, sat for the test, but didn't make it (for a while i was bummed). When i got the rejection, i decided (on a whim) to take up a job as a Photoshop / Illustrator instructor to NM2208 students (for those who didn't have background in those applications - personally i had no background in Illustrator at that point so i picked it up as i went along).

The pay for the job was pretty decent (comparable to working on the book and website), and another piece of the puzzle for the big "fulfillment" was set in motion...

Nov 2009-Jun 2011: Teaching Assistant in Communications & New Media.

So this is where i am now. back in school (a friend once joked that i seemed dead-set on not leaving NUS). I've been assigned to teach 2 modules that i've taken as an undergraduate (more specifically, NM2208 and NM3217). I'd have to say that those 6 months at my uncle's had helped me tremendously in securing the job. If i hadn't taken the Photoshop / Illustrator gig, i wouldn't have known about the vacancy for Teaching Assistant open up (and applied for it ASAP). and my lecturer wouldn't have decided to nominate me as a candidate for it.

The job interview with my HOD was nothing like what i expected it to be, and was more of a "ok, here's what i'm expecting you to do". Before I knew it, i was a full-time staff in CNM. So now, i've helped students with their projects, done a bit of marking, and done some more publications layouts (for the department of course). and my HOD has just given me the gigantic task of helping revamp our department website ("no pressure of course, but i know you're a good designer!" Holy crap to that. She doesn't know i think i'm a horrendous designer, who just happens to get lucky).

So that's pretty much been the year for me. Rather interesting i suppose, in a mundane kind of way.

Incidentally, my "prophetic statement" that i made during the last week of project submissions is this - "if i can't find a job anywhere else, i'll come back to CNM and become a TA." And to think i said it half-jokingly at the time.

P.S. this teaching assistant gig is actually quite apt. It actually fits in rather nicely with the 5-year plan. And yes, singlehood is still pretty much on the cards.

The grand plan.

Yes i do believe i have it. a plan for the next (at least 5) years or so. It all sounds a little bit crazy, and we know how plans can get derailed, but i've got the crux of it worked out. Whether it really happens of course is another matter altogether, but there's some hope at least.

5 years is a long time. and a lot of things can happen. but i'm pretty sure getting there is going to be one hell of a ride. As i've always used to say: "things change, people change, and we get on with our lives." which probably explains why when 1 phase ends and another begins, i just move on and don't look back - i've never really been big on sentimentality (though sometimes there's a sense of regret for this trait).

well whatever happens, we'll just have to wait and see. But i probably can guarantee this much - when the time comes to look back on this, i'll still be single. that's one thing i can safely bet on. haha.

Sticking Around for 1 more year

The results are OUT (well they've been out for a few days already but never got down to posting). And thankfully (not to mention amazingly), i am STAYING FOR 1 MORE YEAR!!! Yes, despite 26 projects / assignments and 7 modules (and 1 stinking exam i had given up all hope on), I have managed to do OMFG-i-can't-believe-it well (in my opinion. and i don't have very high standards). So, though it may be a little delayed, here's some shoutouts to all my proj groups:

CS3216: Ok i have 11 different group mates. I can't thank them all cos that would be a post by itself. But many props to Evo for his great skills with Monsters.

GEM2901: D and N, i swear the 3 of us were the most slack project group i've seen in my life. But its all good. the module was kinda useless anyway, so we've got it all done and that's all that matters.

NM3208: M, P & XL, good times with video production project. I still swear i look horrible in the MTV. the slap was damn hopeless (and probably as fake as everyone insists it is). But i still think the carebear-ripping trick was DAMN COOL.

NM3217: Ok so maybe there wasn't much group work here, but thanks to CS for providing me the ultimate client to work on for my projects.

NM5211: The girls of Mushroom Six. I still dunno why i went along with the idea. seriously. But its all good. It was crazy, it was fun, and i hope everyone got As out of the module. haha.

Internship: Of course where would i be now without it? totally amazing stuff. TOTALLY. if i hadn't done it, probably wouldn't have been crazy enough to do what i did last sem, which no one else should seriously try themselves unless they think they can handle it.

On another note, the level 4000 honours modules are totally not me. its all THEORY BASED (and everyone knows i hate theory). which leaves me with the question: ISM? or no ISM? If i do it i got a supervisor in mind and a topic (which very CONVENIENTLY builds on previous experience i have. which brings back what i've always said: "play the unfair advantage!"

I have no life and i must design...

... which is all fine and well except for 1 "small" detail: I HAVE NO AESTHETIC SENSE WHATSOEVER.

I mean, I can do graphics, publications, videos, games (and video games) and now websites. BUT its all technical. I'm half decent with photoshop, dreamweaver, indesign / freehand, premiere, after effects and maybe even maya, but creatively, i STINK.

(Oh did i mention that i'm pretty damn good with microsoft excel?)

so what advantage is there to being good technicallly if all the skills you have is what pretty much what anyone else can pick up? and when there's so many other people out there who are way better? Like this guy for example?

My only forseeable "gift" is that i pick up softwares pretty quickly (but that's just in comparison to some of my friends). it doesn't give me much of an advantage frankly.

The only reason why my skills have value is that in places where i operate, they haven't found someone who's better (and willing) to do it. Does that make me the cheap / convenient option? perhaps. can i live with that? maybe. does it stink? hell yeah.

I say again: I have no life and i must design - but if there's no ideas, what's there to design?

Crossroads

Well. you'd think that i'd write a shoutout post to everyone now that the sem is over. but frankly i'm just waiting at the moment - waiting for the day to know what happens next (READ: i'm waiting for results). When the results come around i'll know whether i'm staying or going. and while i'm pretty much fine with either outcome, the not-knowing-what-happens-next feeling is just plain annoying.

so about a week and a day from now, expect a post or 2 about what happens next...

Don't say its over....

Or perhaps it really is. but it doesn't feel like it somehow. Maybe its cos i still have assignments left to do. Or maybe also because i don't know if i'm leaving for sure.

But it was kinda sad that in my last week in NUS, i didn't see any of the people i came in with. The people who, for the last 4 years of my life had made it worth coming to school. Yes, i'm talking about the SWAPS / NUSPsyche gang. Apart from maybe Shaun O and YX, i haven't seen Farah and Karina, or even Shaun G and KimChar.

On another note, somehow it just seems that things for me never really aren't meant to work out. Which just proves i'm right i suppose. That there's really nothing there to begin with. I wonder if that night would be the last time. and maybe it is. but i'm glad the opportunities were there. it made everything a lot more bearable. It wasn't much of a goodbye i guess, but that's life. maybe its better this way.

To that one special person who made her final sem (and possibly mine as well) one for me to remember, i just want to say thanks. it may not have been much (or anything at all), but there really wasn't anything that you needed to do. you just had to be you. When the time comes round again i'll see you, but between now and then, study hard and get your stuff done. Its been one heckuva ride for you with everything that's been going on in your modules.

Just want to wish you good luck with whatever comes next. and that at the end of the day you'll find your happiness (God knows you deserve it). Take care of yourself, no matter how much you feel that you need to be there for other people.

Loner

Well. Today we finished filming for our MTV project. And yet somehow i just feel sian and depressed. Don't know why, but i just do.

The filming went well i thought, considering we shot only over 2 days. But i just feel down. Maybe its all the memories that i channeled to get the right mood. Or just the something disappointing that happened. But then again i shouldn't really be disappointed cos i shouldn't have expected anything in the first place.

Need to get out of this soon. Tomorrow's another day. With more filming to do.

Job Prospects

If you're wondering, no it's not that i've found a job (actually i've already got one more or less secured. Lesson: do an internship).

But no, this is more of what i should be doing i guess. Is it just me or have i been writing a lot of bullshit recently (like the stuff for my assignments - analysis etc etc). And the best part is that it looks believable.

Maybe i should become a spindoctor.

Halfway Mark

And so we're at the halfway mark of what might be my final semester. and of all my projects, let's see everything that will be finished by the end of next week (which is end of week 7):

1. NM3217 Web Critique
2. NM5211 Serious Games Report and Presentation
3. NM3208 Theatre Poster
4. NM3208 Web picture assignment
5. NM3550 Report
6. NM3550 Powerpoint + Presentation to internship applicants
7. NM3550 Journal
8. NM3217 Organisational Research
9. CS3216 Hello World App
10. CS3216 That's Bullsh*t App + Code Review
11. CS3216 QuoteTales App + Interface Review
12. NM3208 MTV Reverse Engineering
13. NM3208 My Valentine Photo Slideshow
14. CS3216 Application Seminar Presentation
15. GEM2901 Project 1

Faster than your average student

Well. Its week 4. and here's the assignments i've handed in so far:

1. Serious Games Report+ Presentation
2. Internship Report
3. Internship Journal
4. Internship powerpoint
5. Facebook Hello World App
6. Theatrical Poster
7. Web Page of Pictures
8. Web Critique
9. Facebook "That's Bullsh*t!" App

Only 15 more to go! wahahahaha

24 Assignments

Well. Its been 1 week into start of school. and somehow, i have this little tiny nagging feeling (but just a tiny one) that i'm taking too much on for my own good (then again i thought of it the same way in previous sems and i didn't drop dead and die then so go figure). Now that reader interest is piqued, here's chris' Hell Sem (yes upgraded from hell week) timetable / schedule:

1. CS3216: Developing Applications for Evolving platforms (READ: Facebook module) - 5 Assignments / projects

2. NM3208: Designing Content for New Media (READ: the VIDEO module) - 8 Assignments / projects

3. NM3217: Graphics and Publication Design (Read: the publishing module) - 6 Assignments / projects

4. GEM2901: Reporting Statistics in the Media (Read: the Tues night late-night GEM) - 2
projects

5. NM5211: Serious Games and Educational Technology (Read: the Level 5000 taken by a year 3) - 3 Assignments / Projects

6. NM3550 and INM3550 (Read: the Internship) - 1 report + 2 Powerpoints

7. Continued Work at SGGA (Read: post-internship clean-up)

Which brings grand total of assignments this semester to *cue drumroll* : 5 + 8 + 6 + 2+ 3 = 24!!! then again considering i'm taking 7 Modules worth of credit, that kinda makes sense in some weird twisted way....

So..... 24 / 7. While it probably shows my project / module workload amount, i sincerely hope it doesn't reflect my total working time.... wahahaha


(please be reminded of the fact that i have only 1 exam.... wahahahahaha)

Glad to be going back?

As of 14th Jan, i'll be back in school after 7 months of internship. but i really wonder what things will be like when i do go back. I know that these last few months have seen many changes (even though i've tried going back to keep in touch with what's happening), and sometimes i can't help but wonder if i'd still fit in any more the way i used to.

I've had thoughts of walking away from what i've known for my past 3 years of university life, and seriously don't think i'd be missed that much when all's said and done. Maybe i should just relocate to somewhere else, hang out with different people, and not cling to what was. Perhaps if i really want to move on, i'll really have to move away from what i knew.

I'm not ruling out the fact that i may still be around, but there's a high chance i won't. but i'm not jumping to conclusions or making assumptions just yet. because when 14th of January comes round, we'll see how things pan out.

But in any case, be prepared to see less of me (i guess by now you're used to it, seeing as how i've been away for 7 months).

More whining / ranting

I've been at this job for a good 6 months. As days go by, i'm less and less convinced i should stay in my current job after i graduate. i've already burnt 2 weekends working at some events. As mentioned in the last post, i work alone (and it sucks). and sometimes it just feels that everything is dumped on me and i'm supposed to make it work. WTF. AND there's no forseeable welfare benefits. There's really no point. I tell you if i really needed the money i'd be in deep shit thanks to this being so messed up. It was fun for a while you know, the whole gaming thing.

but if its going to be so unstable and unpredictable, well i'm sorry. its just not happening. Some people say that there's a difference between being an intern and a perm staff. Somehow i feel there isn't going to be much difference if i were to join (in my opinion anyway).

No such thing....

There's no such thing as a "balanced gaming life". Or work-life balance for that matter. its all BALONEY. seriously. I mean, i look at myself. I'm working almost round the clock (except for the hours when i sleep. and i bet if i didn't have to sleep i'd be working then too). I don't think i have much of a social life (or any at all for that matter). My whole life (for the last 6 months or so) has revolved around nothing but internship work (cool as it is). Case in point is me accessing the MMOG from the car while sending my bro back to camp just so i could fix some damn problem in-game. Its kinda sad, but that's how its been. And the only way that most people know that i'm alive is probably through my MSN (on which i'm on ALL THE TIME).

Coupled with the fact that i'm not the kind of person that likes to go out much (and after working in cineleisure since may, i don't think orchard is that big a deal), and you have a recipe for someone who's built for solitary confinement. It doesn't help matters that i've spent a good part of the last 6 months working alone (and i really mean alone. no one else in the office).

This kinda sucks (wait, "kinda" is an understatement. this REALLY sucks). How do you fix a problem with the following parameters?

1. Works all day (and night)
2. Doesn't really like to go out
3. Doesn't see what's so fantastic about orchard / town
4. Has little or no contact with the outside world (MSN and work-related interactions don't count)
5. Burns weekends working for events

I'm open to suggestions. seriously. but so far it just looks like a dead-end-no-solution situation.