I was talking to my mum today about how when i was an undergrad i'd go find my lecturers just to talk and hang out. She said, "see all that training i gave you helped." (I agreed of course. because there's some truth to that).

She:"aren't you glad you're able to do that kind of things now, cos all your girl friends (note: not GF. these are 2 SEPARATE words, no typos here) who have stuff that they need to talk about come looking for you."

Me: "uh mum that's not the same thing. its more of listening than actually talking, which i might add i've had lots of practice with you"

She:"see? so at least your mother is good for something."

Me:"yeah well. thing is that most of the time once their issues are resolved they forget about me and i sort of disappear from their lives (note: anyone who knows me well enough that this is something i believe to be VERY true. because there has been little evidence to prove otherwise. I'm usually only the last option.)"

She: "well, then you know who your real friends are."

Me (thinking to myself): "now there's a thought. but unfortunately things aren't so simple."

On a related note, i just came across this on a friend's tumbleblog, and its a variant of one of the rules i live by:

"Time flies, people change. You only talk to me when you need me. Other than that you're too busy for words. So I guess you were one of those people who were supposed to walk into my life, teach me a lesson, and then walk away."

How apt.

365 days since...

Dear TulipGirl,

Doesn't seem that long ago that I personally delivered your birthday present to you (i still remember how your face lit up, even when i gave you the single tulip. and how your grin became even bigger when i whipped out the boquet after with 5 tulips and other stuff in it. You may never know it, but it made my day as much as it made yours. if not more).

Soon, it will have been 365 days since I gave you those flowers. And today the mood couldn't have been more different than it was all those days ago. Excitement is replaced with a sense of foreboding and reservation. Not to mention hesitance and general unenthusiasm. After what happened 2 weeks ago, the feeling of being underappreciated still stings. Though we may not have quarreled or anything, but getting stood up again isn't something easy to take. Especially after all the considerations and "precautions" i put in place to minimise what I hoped wouldn't happen (but did).

Truth is, as time has gone on, I've felt us drifting apart. I knew this would happen (because it always does), but knowing the inevitableness of that fact doesn't make the realisation hurt any less.

I've always known that I never ever featured high on your list of relationships / priorities, knowing that there'd always be other people or things more important than myself. I was fine with that really, it was something I was willing to accept. But getting stood up one time too many does things to people - it's made me question whether its worth it to continue chasing something that is going to (more often than not) be a cause for disappointment. Especially when you have no idea how much I look forward to our meet-ups, rare as they've been. You should know that i'm a realist above anything else.

I will say this though - even though it may seem like it, i've not given up entirely on our friendship. We may never be as close as we were before (in my opinion we were, but in yours that depends on your perspective), but its not like i'm never going to speak to you again or anything as drastic as that. I just won't make as much effort as I used to. That way if things don't happen the way I planned, at least I won't have that much disappointment to suffer (I hope).

I'll always try to be there if you need me (and come find me). But I won't be the initiator any more. Its just not worth the heartache.

So as the sun rises on July 21st, and you turn 24, my birthday wish to you is that you find happiness that you've always been desiring, the kind you've shared with me that you've hoped to have. And if the day doesn't start out good, help it to at least end with happiness. That's the least I can wish for on your birthday.

Love,

chr1s

Food for thought: Humans are invariably and innately self-serving.

I have held on to the belief that all humans, by nature, are inherently selfish. That everyone looks out for their own interest, for what suits them the most at any one point in time. And thus, because everyone has their own self-interest in mind, that makes people dispensable (to others) - meaning that if there's no reason to interact / maintain relationships / communicate with someone after they've served their usefulness, then we just move on.

For some, this may seem as a very cynical stand, but I subscribe to it, simply because i know it for myself to be true. The fact that people don't look for you unless they need / want something, and ignore you the rest of the time, or that aside from your perceived usefulness and role as the "last option", there is no other interaction going on between you and any other person. That you get discarded for a better/smarter/cheaper/faster/more attractive option. Basically, you're gotten rid of once you've outlived your usefulness.

Think about it. Companies do this all the time. Romantic relationships (sometimes) end in that way. Friendships have ended this way too (but more often than not they commonly attribute it to "drifting", "moving on to another phase of life". But the bottom line is there's no more reason to maintain the relationship).

So if something like this ever happens to you (or you unwittingly do it to someone else), remember, you're just looking out for yourself. Its not a matter of this being a good / bad thing (it really depends how you spin it). But the point is that it happens. ALL. THE. TIME. and you'd be naive to think that it doesn't.

Rejection is a painful thing. But at some point or other, enough is enough. Nobody can (or should) wait forever. At some point, we have to move on. And maybe for me and her, that time is now.

I've always known that I don't feature high in her list of priorities, and I could accept that. I understood that was the nature of our relationship. Which is why i gave her space and time to do her own thing. I tried as much as i could to be understanding (at least i'd like to think so).

But things are different now. I've lost count of the number of times i've been stood up at the last minute. I tell her that it's ok and that i understand, and that there's always next time, but sooner or later it just becomes too much. Sooner or later, there no longer is a "next time", because you know it'll never come.

I used to believe that if something happened to me that was serious, she would be one of those who would be there for me. But now, I'm not so sure anymore. Its a sad realisation, but probably true. Things've changed that much.

"I am what you call 'the world'. Or perhaps 'the universe'. Or perhaps 'God'. Or perhaps 'truth'. Or perhaps 'everything'. Or perhaps 'One'. And I am 'you'. What gives you despair so that you do not become arrogant, is truth."

Truth, Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Damn right.