I know what I am. I know that whatever i try, no matter how much i try, i will never be good enough. I will always be the techy, nerdy kid. and no matter how much i try to change it, that will always be me.

I will never be good enough for anyone, will always be on the outside looking in, and no matter what i try to do, that will not change. There will never be enough trust in me to handle myself, that i can do things on my own.

Its always assumed that i'm fine with picking up the pieces, filling in the blanks, being shunted from place to place to fill in the gaps wherever they may be. That i would be fine being the "rubbish bin", taking the scraps, all the stuff that no one else wants or decides to get rid of.

I know that from ever since i was born i was nothing but trouble - problem after problem. and while they did decrease, they were still problems. and that's how i think i'm viewed. as an annoyance, something people put up with because they have to.

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The time is coming. I know it is. The signs are more obvious, and i know its bound to happen eventually. and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. we will drift apart, because things will get better for you. because somehow, they always do. eventually. and that's when i fade away into the shadows, our friendship nothing more than a memory. because things change, people change. and we get on with our lives.

How could you help a boy like that? He wanted to be everywhere and do everything. And so he'd probably try to do more than he should and end up in trouble again and she would have to sort it out again. She sighed a sigh that was older than she was. Her father had been the same, of course. He'd spend all night working on dispatch boxes for the Foreign Office, with a footman on duty at all times to bring him coffee and roast duck sandwiches. It was quite usual for the maids to find him still at his desk in the morning, fast asleep with his head on a map of Lower Sidonia.

Her grandmother used to make sniffy remarks like:'I suppose His Majesty doesn't have any other ministers?' But now Daphne understood. He'd been like Mau, trying to fill the hole inside with work so that it didn't overflow with memories.

- Nation, by Terry Pratchett

3 months. that's how long it always lasts. only 3 months. its scary, its sad, and it really worries me. i don't know why its always that way, but even though it starts off well and develops a closeness, somehow at some point drifting happens. and then its never the same anymore. the friendship becomes more distant, the communication less frequent, and at some point or other, it really peters out to almost nothing.

I always thought things would last. but they usually don't. and that's why i move on i suppose. because you cling to something that no longer is there any more.and no matter what i try to do, it just isn't what it used to be. i remember one friend who said she wouldn't let it happen. that when things got better for her she wouldn't forget. but she did. because things changed - they always do.

and that's why i'm scared in a way. because time is almost up. and i know what that means. I'd really like to believe that it isn't true. but so far i've always been proven correct, much as io wished it wasn't the case. "things change, people change. and we get on with our lives." i just wish it didn't have to be this way.

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i want it this time so not to be true. i really do. but i know that it'll never happen the way i want. and there's very little i can do about it. Each of them meant more to me than they probably realised. and the same goes for this time. but that's how things are and how things will be. This is deja vu. This is life that happens. and i can literally see it unfolding right in front of my eyes. again.

It's not like i don't like my life. Its just that sometimes it really makes me wonder - who i am, what i'm doing, where i belong.

I've always felt that i didn't quite fit into any group i was part of... that there was always a little reason or other that made me a little bit more... disconnected (and this is with pretty much every group i'm sort of part of).

I look at myself and realise what i (sort of) am.

I'm the guy who's resigned to the fact that when it comes to food at home, he's the one that finishes up leftovers, because he eats almost anything, almost any amount, and never seems to put on weight.

I'm the guy whose idea of fashion sense is having variants of more or less the same clothes (hence there's not much variation in my dressing). and would buy the exact same wallet to replace the one that broke.

I'm the guy who's techy, geeky and a little bit socially inept. Whose idea of fun is sitting in front of my PS3 at home at night playing FIFA 10. And who gets kicks out of reading web design magazines, designing stuff and other things like that.

I'm the guy who can rattle off sports statistics like they were the back of my hand, but locks himself out of the office twice while going to collect stuff.

I'm the guy who is more comfortable interacting with someone via the computer rather than face to face, uncomfortable with silence when we're face to face but doesn't have much to say to break it.

I'm the guy who's skinny, lanky, with a bit of a slouch. Who thinks that he isn't even in the category of "mildly attractive", and thinks that anyone who actually thinks he looks good really needs to think twice about it.

I'm the guy who does what he can to help make his friends feel better when they've got problems to cope with, yet most of the time refuses support when he needs it.

I'm the guy who's got more close friends who're girls than guys. and yet remains single just because there's no other way it could be. Who doesn't really believe in love anymore, and thinks that marriage and relationships are too damn complicated because there's too many variables and too much costs involved if you want to get it right.

I'm the guy who's cynical, who thinks that any situation that seems too good to be true usually is. That everything has a catch, and that there's no such thing as a free lunch (and its only a matter of time before you find it).

I'm the guy who believes in God because there can be no other explanation to why he is where he is, who knows the Bible decently, but whose belief stops there.

Basically, I think that the only role I'd fit into better than my other groups is the geeky, techy academic (which is what I am now when you think about it).

Welcome to my life. welcome to me.