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C: "when things get better and you don't have problems you're going to disappear like everyone else. and forget me. and then our friendship will drift into nothingness."

S: "No i'm not going to let that happen!"

Yeah right. i've seen it so many times i know the routine. no more problems = no more need for chris = no need to look for chris = no need to talk to chris = drift-away friendship.

Its bullshit really. telling me that back then that it wouldn't happen. I knew it would. it was inevitable. and it did happen. and now we don't even talk to each other anymore. and it doesn't apply just to S. it applies to everyone.

there's no more need. so you forget. and i disappear from your life. happens every time. its just a matter of when. and if we do talk, the conversations are all superficial, trivial things that don't matter - its just run-of-the-mill niceties being observed. There's no real connection anymore.

Maybe that's my fault too. all my "friendships" and "relationships" were built on problems. other people's problems. and when the problems eventually disappeared from their lives, so did i. because we no longer had anything to talk about.

All people ever want from you is to make use of you. nobody comes looking for you just because. its always because there's a favour they need, a problem they need to solve, someone they need to whine to, to make themselves feel better. i'm sick of being that person. i've been that person to other people for the last 15 years. enough is enough. i'm tired. for once i'm going to think about me for a change. screw the rest of you. really.

Insights of a cynic.

Now if you think about it, there's something to be said for being a cynical person. Sure you're probably not as happy as the optimists and idealists, but at least you don't get disappointed as much. and of course you get a lot more opportunities to shove it in their face with a very telling "HAH. I told you so."

As most people probably should know by now, i'm very big on cynicism. And thinking about it for the last few days there's some things i've concluded from my observations:

1. If you're no longer useful to people, generally you're no longer wanted. People are inherently selfish and self-serving. You generally don't go finding someone else unless you want / need something from them. If you've outlived your usefulness, substituted by something / someone else or basically no longer needed anymore, expect to be contacted less and less frequently.

2. no matter how good you can possibly be, there's always someone out there who's better. And if people find that other person to be a better / cheaper / more accessible option, then goodbye demand.

3. The world doesn't need love. Love doesn't make the world go round. Money sometimes does. But what really impacts thing is anger (not only for its destructive qualities of course). Someone once said that though most of the other 7 deadly sins affect yourself (and occassionally a few other people), anger can affect the largest possible group with its destructive force. More often than not its the aftermath of destructive anger that motivates people to do something. And unlike happiness which people forget after a while, anger scars you. Forever. so you won't forget.

4. Pride and self-esteem aren't the same thing. People with low self-esteem can still be proud (and hence get themselves into shit since pride gets in the way).

5. Holidays in general are overrated. More often than not they're usually more trouble than they're worth. In trying to make them "perfect", people end up stressing themselves (and each other) out more. and instead of being happy, they all get disgruntled and annoyed with one another.

6. Never trust anyone (too much). don't expect to rely on people. Some point of time or other, they WILL disappoint. People aren't perfect to begin with, and don't expect perfection. If not you're just setting yourself up for disappointment (and that's just dumb).

4.

I said i would support her no matter what she chose to do, as long as she knew what she was doing, and she was happy with the outcome. So why is it that when she's made a choice, I can't just let it be?

I know i have no obligation to be overly worried for her no matter how things turn out - because its her life and not mine. So why do i worry?

I know that to her i'm nothing more than a friend, one who can (or will) be as close as her other friends. So why do i wish things were otherwise?

I believe that things will never work out in that way for us, because we're just not right for each other. So why do i hope otherwise?

I feel that we've already drifted apart a long time ago, and things will never ever be like the way they were before. So why do wish that things weren't this way?

Because....

.... She is TulipGirl.

... She means a lot to me.

.... she is someone i would've been willing to do anything for (if i could)

.... she is special.

But that was then. This is now. Wake up to the reality that is. Not the reality that was. Wake up Chris. No more dreams. Only the reality of what is and what will be - and that will be a future without her.

New insights to an old mindset.

I remember how a while back I was frustrated that things with TulipGirl had all gone not so great. And while we did meet up and it did make things a little more like how they used to be, yesterday while thinking about it I came to realise something: that what i said the last time was true - if i needed someone to be there when i really needed it, i wasn't sure that she would be.

It used to be a doubt, but now its pretty much for certain - I know that between us it will never be like that. I could really never imagine it that way. But I do know that even though she isn't it, at the end of the day there is someone i know i can count on when the chips are down.

I understand that as friends though W and I may seem close, I'll never be as close to her as some of her other friends. and just like how things were with TulipGirl, i'm ok with that, because that's how things are, and they're unlikely to change. and just like i always have, i'll worry about the day that the drifting will start. and maybe, just maybe i'll get over a little bit better.

I'm just glad that we've managed to help each other alot, and that i've helped her on her road to her dream, and that right now, far away as the end result seems, she's in a step in the right direction. Though she may doubt it sometimes, I know that she can get there eventually - with a little belief in herself, and a little from me.

I was talking to my mum today about how when i was an undergrad i'd go find my lecturers just to talk and hang out. She said, "see all that training i gave you helped." (I agreed of course. because there's some truth to that).

She:"aren't you glad you're able to do that kind of things now, cos all your girl friends (note: not GF. these are 2 SEPARATE words, no typos here) who have stuff that they need to talk about come looking for you."

Me: "uh mum that's not the same thing. its more of listening than actually talking, which i might add i've had lots of practice with you"

She:"see? so at least your mother is good for something."

Me:"yeah well. thing is that most of the time once their issues are resolved they forget about me and i sort of disappear from their lives (note: anyone who knows me well enough that this is something i believe to be VERY true. because there has been little evidence to prove otherwise. I'm usually only the last option.)"

She: "well, then you know who your real friends are."

Me (thinking to myself): "now there's a thought. but unfortunately things aren't so simple."

On a related note, i just came across this on a friend's tumbleblog, and its a variant of one of the rules i live by:

"Time flies, people change. You only talk to me when you need me. Other than that you're too busy for words. So I guess you were one of those people who were supposed to walk into my life, teach me a lesson, and then walk away."

How apt.

365 days since...

Dear TulipGirl,

Doesn't seem that long ago that I personally delivered your birthday present to you (i still remember how your face lit up, even when i gave you the single tulip. and how your grin became even bigger when i whipped out the boquet after with 5 tulips and other stuff in it. You may never know it, but it made my day as much as it made yours. if not more).

Soon, it will have been 365 days since I gave you those flowers. And today the mood couldn't have been more different than it was all those days ago. Excitement is replaced with a sense of foreboding and reservation. Not to mention hesitance and general unenthusiasm. After what happened 2 weeks ago, the feeling of being underappreciated still stings. Though we may not have quarreled or anything, but getting stood up again isn't something easy to take. Especially after all the considerations and "precautions" i put in place to minimise what I hoped wouldn't happen (but did).

Truth is, as time has gone on, I've felt us drifting apart. I knew this would happen (because it always does), but knowing the inevitableness of that fact doesn't make the realisation hurt any less.

I've always known that I never ever featured high on your list of relationships / priorities, knowing that there'd always be other people or things more important than myself. I was fine with that really, it was something I was willing to accept. But getting stood up one time too many does things to people - it's made me question whether its worth it to continue chasing something that is going to (more often than not) be a cause for disappointment. Especially when you have no idea how much I look forward to our meet-ups, rare as they've been. You should know that i'm a realist above anything else.

I will say this though - even though it may seem like it, i've not given up entirely on our friendship. We may never be as close as we were before (in my opinion we were, but in yours that depends on your perspective), but its not like i'm never going to speak to you again or anything as drastic as that. I just won't make as much effort as I used to. That way if things don't happen the way I planned, at least I won't have that much disappointment to suffer (I hope).

I'll always try to be there if you need me (and come find me). But I won't be the initiator any more. Its just not worth the heartache.

So as the sun rises on July 21st, and you turn 24, my birthday wish to you is that you find happiness that you've always been desiring, the kind you've shared with me that you've hoped to have. And if the day doesn't start out good, help it to at least end with happiness. That's the least I can wish for on your birthday.

Love,

chr1s

Food for thought: Humans are invariably and innately self-serving.

I have held on to the belief that all humans, by nature, are inherently selfish. That everyone looks out for their own interest, for what suits them the most at any one point in time. And thus, because everyone has their own self-interest in mind, that makes people dispensable (to others) - meaning that if there's no reason to interact / maintain relationships / communicate with someone after they've served their usefulness, then we just move on.

For some, this may seem as a very cynical stand, but I subscribe to it, simply because i know it for myself to be true. The fact that people don't look for you unless they need / want something, and ignore you the rest of the time, or that aside from your perceived usefulness and role as the "last option", there is no other interaction going on between you and any other person. That you get discarded for a better/smarter/cheaper/faster/more attractive option. Basically, you're gotten rid of once you've outlived your usefulness.

Think about it. Companies do this all the time. Romantic relationships (sometimes) end in that way. Friendships have ended this way too (but more often than not they commonly attribute it to "drifting", "moving on to another phase of life". But the bottom line is there's no more reason to maintain the relationship).

So if something like this ever happens to you (or you unwittingly do it to someone else), remember, you're just looking out for yourself. Its not a matter of this being a good / bad thing (it really depends how you spin it). But the point is that it happens. ALL. THE. TIME. and you'd be naive to think that it doesn't.