Drifting

A favourite saying of mine often went like this: "Things change, people change, and we move on with our lives." Lately i've been feeling that a little, especially with friends who are, thanks to various circumstances, becoming a little more... distant.

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To be honest there's a lot of things i'd like to believe in, to hope for. but i'm no idealist. i'm a pragmatist. and that's why i know that even though she's important to me, we'll never go beyond friendship. simply because that's the way things are with us.

I'd like to believe that things would never change much (or drastically). That somehow it wouldn't be such that maybe one day we'd wake up and realise that the gap between us is just too far to bridge. That somehow, that level of closeness we used to have is something we'd always have. but i know that's just wishful thinking.

The working world changes things. and changes them a lot. say what you like about me having already gotten a job and all that. but the plain truth is that unlike her, i'm still stuck in the school environment. and the differences are telling - especially when it comes to late nights of working (something that i doubt i'll rarely get much of - not that i want it).

I understand that she's busy. really busy. and i know it can't be helped, simply because that's how the job is. but sometimes i wish she just wouldn't push herself so hard (or that they wouldn't push her so hard). Say what she likes about being ok with the idea of singlehood, i know that's not her thing (I mean, personally i'm always advocating singlehood. and yet sometimes i feel that i'm missing someone, so what more for her?).

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The realisation's pretty sad, when you become aware of the fact that the closeness of the friendships built is based on bad things that happened. Thinking about it, i realised that some of my strongest friendships built were built at the time when either of us was at a down point, and that a lot of our bonding was a result of those down points. And when the down point had passed, somehow we slowly drifted apart.

Its sad you know. when friendships are built on pain. Like i told S once.... "after this is all over and everything's ok, we'll probably drift apart. because you'll forget (and that's a good thing). but there'll be that gap. and it'll never be the same anymore. because things change, people change. and we move on with our lives."

I remember she said she wouldn't let that happen. but it did. I knew it would.